So it’s finally here, The Holidays, the one time of year when the festivities outweigh logic and you can allow yourself to live in gluttonous magic, without guilt. Champagne, cookies, and the almighty: “a little is good…but MORE is better.” Here are the top ten holiday eating tips to get you through the holidays with grace and laughter.
- Avoid carrot sticks – If your host is serving carrots, leave, and go next door where they are serving rum balls, jello shots and vodka.
- Drink as much eggnog as possible, and quickly! Like Santa you cannot find it any other time of year – so drink up. Who cares that it’s 10,000 calories per sip – it’s the freakin’ holidays so it doesn’t count.
- If you see gravy, use it. Use it on everything – isn’t that the point? It’s like butter and sugar, it makes everything taste better! It goes with everything! The trifecta of goodness!
- As for the potatoes, ask if they were made with skim or real milk – if it was skim, don’t bother it’s like buying an expensive sports car in beige. There’s just no point.
- Avoid eating snacks at home before the big day or days. The whole point of going to that obnoxious party is to eat other peoples food for free!
- Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. That is what January is for…when you have nothing better to do. Instead this time is for long naps – which you’ll need after circling the buffet table ten times and drinking six cups of eggnog – this is a sport, you’re an athlete – so take it seriously!
- Always position yourself near the best item at the buffet (like the cookies shaped like Santa.) They only come once a year and there is no time to waste. Plus you’re getting older, blink and you may miss the opportunity.
- Always indulge in pie. Always! What other time can you have three pieces of fruit flavored pie and hide it under an ugly sweater,…. labor day? That’s right, eat up santa pants.
- If you are feeling guilty (seriously it’s Christmas so why would you?) eat some fruitcake – it’ll make grandma happy and it’s technically fruit. But if I were you I’d save the calories and go for some more gravy.
- And finally, if you’re not feeling terrible, shamed, or guilty when you leave the party, then you haven’t fully read items 1-9, and you’re doing it all wrong.
Repeat steps 1-9, start over, hurry…January, being sober and EXERCISE are right around the corner…..
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